Life's Unpredictability: Finding Joy in the 'Maybe So'

Maybe I'm biased... Oh just to state this is a continuation from my previous post... I guess altered really does have like a limit on how many words can fit in a single post... That's just like me. I push limits lol no but for real so I don't actually hand type any of this. 90% of the thoughts that I share are audio recordings that I hit transcribe or yeah... It's me vocally rambling forever and then some sort of AI system using voice recognition and turning into texts anyways I'm sure that most of you know what that is maybe? Yeah there's definitely some things that I have noticed about how I talk that have become really apparent when I do this. Like run on sentences oh my goodness. I'm sure that if anyone's reading it I commend you. I've read some of this stuff back and it's a mess I understand. I have this way of I use the word like a lot like a lot a lot . Mostly when I post these I don't bother to add punctuation I don't bother to like correct what I'm saying remove some of the likes or make it more readable. A lot of times if I do post a lot of what I post is private cuz I don't want to subject anyone else to that... But if I do make a public post I will usually go back through and delete that and clean that up. Remove all the likes add punctuation as spaces or places for the eyes to rest. You're welcome lol mostly I don't even expect anyone to be reading even if I do make it public honestly. I don't do this for anybody else. But... If anyone else were to read what I share and it makes them feel a certain kind of way *sigh* yay. I just want to saw the closer together because I think we need to. It's so hard to feel seen... I don't know... To allow yourself to be seen... She find hope and a situation in a life that feels so f****** hopeless right now. Maybe that part is a bit lofty... It any rate... I was feeling pretty good after this cinema meeting today and I decided that I would like to drink a little I was going to treat myself to a mini bottle of good bourbon lol. So I was in the liquor store and there was this elder gentleman that was the clerk there and he had some grateful Dead playing on the radio and we acknowledge each other as I came into the store and I was browsing the whiskey aisle as I am prone to do and he asked me if I need anything and I was like no I'm good and then we talked for a second I told him I asked him of course I was looking for Shanky's which I knew they didn't have it you know but I thought I would just peruse a little bit to try and figure out what I even wanted you know... And then I made my choices and I got up to the register and he and I were talking and he was like you know scandal my stuff and getting my total doing all the official things and he kind of stopped for a minute and he looked up at me and he was like I like your hair... And I kind of chuckled cuz I didn't expect that cuz in my brain at that moment I was trying to do like math right... I was trying to do like financial math like I'm in the store right now and I'm buying these things can I even afford to be buying these things right now and I was kind of struggling with myself cuz I was like b**** you've been working hard you earned it just do it and the other part of me that was like yeah but I have to transfer my money here and I have to make sure that I do this XYZ and I have to file my taxes I was doing like the the dance you know lol and so his comment kind of pulled me out of that for a minute out of that like mental gymnastic math I was doing and I thanked him for the compliment like oh thank you... And then he says yeah man as you could tell I'm a deadhead and I love oh man wait a minute It was so great... It was all about love basically like like he saw something in me you know like that acknowledged like love right he was like oh that's what it was.. he was like I love those that love others and love themselves... It was f****** beautiful man He's f****** beautiful It was great then went as he said that right as he was like I love those that love others and love themselves he had his arms like wide open right and I was like hug man yeah he was like giving like a hug gesture and I was he like just the sweetest hippiest dude ever man and it was like he saw the hippie and me and I saw the hippie and him and it was like yeah man bring it in I just like reached over the f****** register and I was like hog man yeah man I'll be seeing you It was f****** great It was glorious honestly lol... I love it I absolutely f****** love it lol I love that I get that man I get it and I feel it man like when I feel it I really feel it when I lock into people man and like when it's mutual and it to be stuck in those love loops and those giggle loops in those just whimsical fun silly creative like it's great man it's so great yeah... I really would like to convince Billy to do a showing of weird no not weird science well maybe maybe we could do like a whole odd dude we could do a whole like John Hughes themed showings right It could be like pretty and pink oh my God I got to write this f****** s*** down dude It's got to be okay no wait we got to do Ferris bueller's day off We got to do pretty and pink We got to do weird science and what's the other one The one that has the dude living in the walls oh s***.. hold on without kilmer.. real genius Yes Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes a thousand times yes I got to pitch this idea to Billy yeah... So real genius or that whole like John Hughes kind of like '80s kind of like classic comedy s***... And then Kevin Smith maybe... The fact that Billy is also a mall right is pretty f****** cool and funny... And I was talking with Billy the other day and I was like telling him like what if we show dogma man what if we show dogma Like we could do a whole series of Kevin Smith films and then top it off by showing Dogma and having Kevin Smith come speak like dude like that would be in like light like dream come true holy s*** moments for me like if I can make that happen I could die at the end of that weekend and it would be cool lol just saying lol our space has the capacity for all of that our space has the capacity to show the film and then have the audience come for his life s*** you know and it's yeah... I'm not going to count on my eggs yet I'm not going to set myself up for this idea but these things are happening in my life and I feel like it's good it's good Man it's good I'm feeling good today... So this whole weekend that I was worried about that's coming up here right Like today is Wednesday Tomorrow is Thursday I work at Texas Roadhouse my normal shift 4 to close and then I have off all day Friday and initially like I said I was scheduled to work Texas Roadhouse in the morning and then the varsity show with the showing of Rocky horror at night I got an outreach today like first of all like I had settled the whole like double thing on Sunday I use some of my time to interview one of the other staff Ruthie who works expo with me and she was a recent SIU graduate right So I sat down and I did an interview with her the other day she agreed to take my Sunday schedule and then again outreach today earlier we're now my Saturday morning has been cleared too Like she she volunteered she wants to take my Saturday morning shift that they scheduled me for Like will this cut my hours for this week drastically at Texas Roadhouse where I only have two days Yes it will Yes it will but mentally and emotionally I think that is what I needed... Honestly like I I don't want to work at Texas Roadhouse on Valentine's Day in the morning I don't I can't I'm probably shouldn't and the whole financial part of it is like something will work out It's I feel like that was necessary and I got an outreach basically for my boss while I was at one of my classes or like in one of the production meetings like for this film club that I'm doing or meetings not production meetings but a meeting For that I got an outreach my boss that was like yeah like Ruthie wants to pick up your shift for Valentine's Day morning If you wouldn't mind giving it up... Immediately in my head I was like absolutely. Absolutely that means that I don't have to it's it's a whole other idea yeah yeah I can't even I can't even put words to it other than to say that I feel like yeah this is the universe looking out for me This is an example of how things just tend to fall as they should and that I just need to relax and have faith lol have faith that Jesus I have suffered long enough and that what I am doing right now is what I need to do and what I've what is meant for me to do... It feels like there are obstacles that are in my way that are just naturally clearing without me having to do a damn like I don't have to do so much work to make that clearing happen as that I just stick to my values and my love and my intent and it does the thing lol and I know that might not sound very sane but we're going to go with it lol... I don't know what the next couple of days look like exactly... I haven't made any plans... I know that I just talked with with Chris he is really heavily on my mind right now... I don't I don't know how mutual that is it's awkward it's early days I don't expect anything but I definitely like him lol It's funny we had a conversation over the phone earlier like today is Wednesday right So our normal days to talk are Sunday and Wednesday but there's been a bit of a shift just because like it's been kind of chaotic for me and for him to you know a little bit so we weren't able to have a conversation on Sunday because he had a dentist appointment on Monday morning and Jasmine's car broke down over the weekend and I had to give her a ride to work and so I had to wait for her to get off and as a manager she didn't get off into an hour later So yeah so it was really weird like the way it worked out where both of us were kind of tapped like he called me anyways because that's what he's so good with like being consistent and like he could have blown me off but he didn't he called me he called me tired and I was busy so we decided hey this is really a bad time for both of us talk why don't we talk Monday so we talked Monday and it was a great conversation it was really good and I kind of joked around with him and I was like look I just want to lay down the law right now I know that Valentine's Day is coming up at the end of this week so yeah I was like I don't expect anything I don't really I hope you don't I don't know I don't know where you fall in the vein of this like do you do you want or expect me to acknowledge you on this day Like do you expect me to buy you something cuz you don't have to buy me anything like I don't I feel like Valentine's Day is a hallmark I went on this whole spiel about like Valentine's Day being like a Hallmark holiday and it's all consumerism and like you don't need to buy me anything you know I don't think that like care is proved between people based on like what they choose to buy each other on one specific day of the whole calendar year I went in this whole spiel about how like yeah lol... And then he was like oh I see I see you want to be swept off your feet I get it lol I just thought it was really funny It was really bad I don't but yeah... I don't expect anything but also there's this funny part of my brain that's like what is he planning I can't get quite carried away in the ideas of things so I don't know a part of me was quite... Comforted by the fact that I had a full work schedule on that day right Like I wouldn't have time or space to even be sad or feel lonely or be disappointed or whatever feel like man f*** love lol that is the reality of being single and not being romantically involved on Valentine's Day I mean there are people that make a big deal out of it within their families too you know like Grandma sent stuff to their grandkids and I don't know I don't know... Sometimes I have no sigh true gauge on where I'm at with Mr Christopher Chin Mok ... I know that I greatly enjoy his company he really makes me laugh and that there is a certain level of playful innocence in him but also yeah... He is so very sexy to me like lol I don't know what it is man I really don't Like he can be very masculine and very commanding but in a gentle way yeah lol... Sigh... It could be super fun if he had something planned or yeah for Valentine's Day or whatever but I'm not expecting it and it is enough for me right now just to know that I have space to f****** breathe and that is the most glorious thing ever... Now I at least have I know Friday completely There has been some s*** that has come up within tonight that I've realized I need to prioritize for the weekend for school for assignments for a group project that just got thrust upon us like at the last minute today yeah... But it's good cuz just as this assignment was taking shape is when the gap in my schedule occurred at the same time so yeah... Well I would absolutely love if this space that was created was for this romantic relationship and he just surprised me by showing up that would be phenomenal and romantic and sweet but also if that is not what's happening and it doesn't happen I'm not disappointed because I still have like this whole gap of space that I can focus on myself for a second would be nice too either way it's going to be a much better weekend as it turns out then I initially had envisioned in the beginning of the week Life is pretty good honestly I feel like there should be a mental and emotional lesson and all of that in retrospect lol I don't know man my my brain just automatically goes back to the same line from the same f****** movie again and again and again. It's that scene in Harold and Kumar you know where they meet that dude or that they're in the jail cell with and he tells him the story and he's just like you know the universe tends to unfold exactly as it should you know you kind of has that same mentality as the maybe so maybe not guy and that is that is the embodiment of myself and my philosophy right Like I forget sometimes though This concept of maybe so maybe not right It's a Zen philosophy if I'm not mistaken it's a whole Zen story about this dude... So this dude owns a farm right and he has a collection of horses on his farm. And one day the fence gets left open and all of his horses escape. So his neighbors find out about the escape and they come to him freaking out right and they're like oh my God it's so horrible that all of your horses are not gone whatever are you going to do it's the most horrible thing ever right You're upset right and the dude just goes maybe so maybe not right and all this neighbors are absolutely horrified by his response they're like how could you say that This is the worst thing ever they're just again he's like maybe so maybe not right and so a couple of days go by and the horses are out their horsing but they know we're home is They know where food is and so they're out there in the fields right and they collect themselves a couple of stray horses They they make some friends they get out there They network and they come home but they don't come home alone They come home with a couple extra horses is this dude did not plan on it So now he's got extra horses so he gets them all and he closes the gate and now he's got his own horses back plus a few more right and so all his neighbors hear about it right and they come to his house and they're like oh you must be so overjoyed you must be so excited you know like you haven't you had these horses lost and other found and they have more It's the best thing ever you know right how do you feel This is great right and his response is maybe so and maybe not and then again the neighbors just don't get it they're like how could you say that how could you how could you even like why are you not excited why are you not This is the best thing ever so okay couple days go by right and the farmer's son now they have these new horses there's a couple wild horses in there those wild horses now need to be tamed and trained right So this farmer's son goes out to the corral where the horses are and he's trying to train this wild horse and this wild horse does not respond appropriately and there's an altercation between the Sun and the horse and the sun gets broken leg basically The sun is injured to the point where he is incapacitated So again again the man's neighbors come oh my gosh this is so horrible your son just got injured you must be so upset oh this is such a such a horrible thing that happened these horses that just came to you and like this whole thing is horrible and again the man's response is maybe so maybe not and again the neighbors are like I don't get it This is this is horrible this is the this is the worst thing could ever have happened to you why aren't you upset It's okay maybe so maybe not couple more days go by and apparently this man's village town area whatever have you is at war right and so the Calvary or the the military is going door to door trying to enlist young able-bodied men to come to battle to die for your country or whatever have it yeah and the military comes by this farmer's house and attempts to take his only son into battle but you can't take not able-bodied men right and that son that singular son is now currently not able-bodied because of the horse because of them getting out because yeah and so he gets passed over for being enlisted into the war because of that injury So I guess the moral of that story... Has been the entirety of my life in a nutshell lol I feel like things have happened in my life that by most normal standards people would look at that or view that and be like that was the most horrible thing that could have happened but for me in the same token not really you know I've learned a lot but also you never know honestly I think sometimes it's fear it's fear of the unknown it's fear of uncertainty that holds a lot of people back from experiencing life to its fullest I don't know I don't think I have all the answers by a long shot but I do know that I'm at a point in my life where I do not give a f***. My life is working for me I feel the happiest and freest that I have been up to this point and I feel like that is continuing that is a trend that is a trend that is trending in more of that direction I don't know man and I feel like at this point in my life like even if this were to be the end of the road I don't it's fine man it's good I'm okay with things I'm okay with the level of life experiences I've had up to this point and anything beyond this point feels like bonus right This is like bonus level If I can leave some kind of lasting legacy that inspires people or makes people feel good about themselves and we keep evolving great even if it's for me even if it's not a bigger scale even if it's just like I I carried with me the amount of love and beauty and creation that inspires other people to then like ripple effect created in their own lives as well even if it only extends the people directly closest to me I am happy I don't expect or need to change the f****** world because I know that that is not my job lol The world is on its own trajectory man that is self-sustaining in its own right. At any rate I think it's going to be a good weekend I'm kind of stoked at the fact that I get to just f*** around tonight honestly I'm just enjoying this what would you call it lol Self-flattery? Lol. Man I've been feeling pretty low the last week or so so I feel like a bit of self flattery in this moment is actually quite appropriate and healthy lol considering how low I've been feeling I need a bit of self flattery right now to keep myself alive thanks lol I don't know I started off the week being pretty scared and not knowing how the f*** I was going to do it and then life just lifed and things opened up and I feel like where it's currently landed is much more enjoyable and doable and I am...

This post reflects on the user's experience of life's unpredictability, exemplified by a liquor store encounter with a 'deadhead' and the 'maybe so, maybe not' philosophy. The user shares how seemingly negative events have led to positive outcomes, including schedule changes that create space for personal projects and a burgeoning romantic interest. They express contentment and freedom, embracing a life philosophy of acceptance and finding joy in the present, while also discussing the practicalities of their creative pursuits and relationships.