Finding Peace in Ambiguity vs. Intense Certainty

Im fascinated by this woman who’s very instense, almost aggressive? She seems smart, ambitious, highly capable, open and intense. She’s simultaneously very feminine and quite masculine. Although I’ve noticed this pattern that she actually wants to feel more feminine and kinda likes being seen that way. Although when talking to her it’s almost like she’s so self assured and vulnerable at the same time, it’s strange. He beliefs are intense and quite rigid, she’s into very militant attitudes etc… It reminds me of other girls id met that grew up with abusive men. They have this conflict in them where they want to feel soft and sweet for a man, but their impulses and behaviours have them seeming so intense, they don’t often get to feel that and end up having issues resenting men for responding to their behaviours by almost being submissive. They end up hating submissiveness in men. Looking at the way I respond to it… I don’t know if I like it? But in a way I do. Interacting in a romantic way has me feeling like it almost makes me more intense to compensate and keep the dynamic from flipping to me just bending to fit and avoid conflict. Technically becoming more submissive… But the thing is… I’m not? I don’t really mould well to the energry people throw at me, I’m steady and consistent in my own energry, whatever I feel it should be. A part of me wonders if these women test men to see if they are emotionally consistent. As in, if I have a moment, will they blow up on me randomly, will they cave in on me and shut down… Whether it’s conscious or not, I feel it must be as true as the consistency they seek in their beliefs. These women have very strong opinions and feel threatened by opposing views. Like finding emotional safety in certainty. The things these women don’t like about me is intellectual honesty and complete comfort in ambiguity. It’s great to them that I’ll accept and entertain their beliefs, but I won’t adopt them and defend them the same way they do. It’s not that I don’t care, I care deeply about an informed opinion, not guarding my beliefs with rigidity and closed mindedness. They respect certainty, see it as self assuredness. But I’ve seen they’re often wise enough to understand that not being flexible and closed minded isn’t smart. I feel my comfort in ambiguity is unsettling to them. She noticed how I can hold the opposing views at once, both well informed and they I can lean slightly towards one more than the other… but I commit to neither, because it doesn’t orient and impact me personally. She’s seen my opinions around things that do impact me personally, so I have a harder bias in one direction, because it’s to do with being a belief that’s defensive to my peace. It started making me wonder if their strong opinions are a signs that all of them are defensive to their peace. Yet I do my best to keep those to a minimum. I don’t want to have to care and defend everything all the time. It’s just more inner conflict. All I ever see with people who aggressively defend a set of beliefs is inner conflict and instability. They’re never psychologically healthy people, never. It’s only those that quietly hold a calm self assuredness about what they know. It’s not about what pisses them off, it’s about what they know to be true to them. Anyway… very interesting people. Very interesting woman. I still think she’s really interesting.

The author reflects on a fascinating woman exhibiting intense, seemingly contradictory traits of masculinity and femininity, self-assurance and vulnerability, and rigid beliefs. This reminds the author of individuals who, possibly due to past trauma, develop a defensive reliance on certainty and strong opinions, becoming uncomfortable with ambiguity and intellectual honesty in others, while subconsciously seeking emotional consistency.