Healing Trauma: Body vs. Mind in a Loving Relationship

due to past experiences, I keep scanning for danger that doesn’t exist. This person is very accountable and reflective and if I bring even the slightest thing up he’s on it… in fact he’s on it before I’ve even said anything. Ive requested to take things slower as my nervous system is automatically having a meltdown if I’ve spent too long with this person…but there is categorically nothing there to scan. I’m not being gas lit. I’m not gaslighting myself. I have categorically got absolutely nothing to red flag him for yet my system is reacting like I’m surrounded by them 😅 we’ve had conflict but we’ve resolved it and we’re steady. I know it’s just a case of time and patience, where each time I expect the other shoe to drop and it doesn’t or the rug to be pulled and it doesn’t I gradually build trust and settle in… but it’s hard. My skin is literally reacting to his presence. Like the eczema on my hands and face flare up after he’s been here a day.. and if he’s gone more than 2 it starts to heal… and I look at that and wonder if this man who is nothing but kind and good to me, is actually bad for me. We have so much in common, I love him, he practically worships the ground I walk on… and that to me just feels uncomfortable. I always wanted this but now I have it my body isn’t playing. I thought that when I found the right person… my system would rest. I would relax. But instead I’m subconsciously scanning and gradually I tense the more time we spend together. My brother died 2 months ago and I’ve had assignment deadlines to meet… We’ve been together 3 months. I think because I’m in this vulnerable time of grief, I feel even more vulnerable because of past experiences and it’s hard to convince my system that I’m no longer in that situation… that I’m safe… that I’m ok… Also im right in the peak of PMDD right now so I’m aware my uncertainty is largely the cause of the hormonal shifts I’m very sensitive to. I’m doing some body shakes and pendulum swings and stretches.. I’m doing a lot of somatic movements to help release any stuck energy… I’m practicing affirmations along with EFT… I’m using the toolkits that have worked for me in the past… I guess I’m just impatient and I’m looking for someone who has been in a similar situation

The user is experiencing a significant disconnect between their rational mind recognizing a safe and loving partner, and their nervous system's persistent "danger scanning" due to past trauma and recent grief. Despite a supportive partner and employing somatic healing techniques, their body reacts with physical symptoms like eczema flare-ups, leading to self-doubt about the relationship's viability. They are seeking others who have navigated similar challenges of integrating new safety after trauma and grief, especially while experiencing PMDD.

@xbethx You are not alone in that. I too struggle with feeling unsafe when there is no visible trigger justifying the feeling. It takes some learning and practice to be able to separate yourself from that, and the fact that you are already able to identify it and articulate it is half of the battle. The other half of it is realizing that your nervous system is doing exactly what it is supposed to do — it’s just trying to keep you safe and protect you from being hurt. I've found for me that practicing identifying it in the moment, realizing when I am triggered, and just taking a step back from the immediate situation to take a breath and reorient myself to my current situation and surroundings helps me a lot. Cognitively and consciously acknowledging what is occurring in the moment — even telling your partner, “Hey, I’m triggered right now. I’m having a moment. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just feel unsafe and I don’t know why, but I just need a few minutes to center myself again” — is, for me at least, all I really need to do. Recognizing it, naming it, and giving yourself permission to feel it and experience the trigger and triggered response in the moment has helped me a lot. It’s acknowledging your nervous system responses. It’s your brain telling your body, “Yes, I hear you. Yes, I’m listening to you. But right now, in this moment, we are safe,” while also allowing your body and nervous system time to regulate itself. You kind of have to retrain your nervous system to a new baseline of safety and functioning. My experience with it has shown me that trying to hide it, bury it, or run from it only increases the occurrences, but acknowledging it, accepting it, and supporting it — and giving/allowing yourself permission to experience it without shame — has helped me work through a lot of it. It takes time relearning it, but with practice it gets easier and ends up flowing like an avalanche. At first it’ll be slow as you figure it out for yourself, and forgiving yourself for your mistakes in the process, but it gains momentum quickly. Identifying it is more than half the battle, and you’ve already done that!!

Appreciate the response so much. Thankyou 🥹🤘