Boundaries, Containment, and Relationship Dynamics

I am not avoidant. Or cold. Or selfish. I just refuse to be part of a dance where, because my partners legs are struggling to move in the mud - he wants to wrap his arms so tightly around me to lean on me for support instead of learning to move in the mud himself. Some muds are thicker and more difficult than others and require more learning, more effort, more time and far more space apart to learn. I could tell when dancing was dancing, and when dancing was leaning. My body could feel it and I would withdraw because of a self honouring necessity, not avoidance, although, I would soften the truth when the truth was softly dismissed, denied or deflected. If it was softly enough I wouldn’t point it out because Softly meant he was trying. But Even if softly, even if gradually. It happened. And it happened enough that survival mode would kick in enough that I would take on what wasn’t mine. I would call myself avoidant, cold, selfish to share the “blame” but I was never giving him blame. Just truth. I would say it was a nervous system incompatibility for the truth to land in a way where it wasn’t met with defence.. but instead digested. Listened to. he was warned. All truth can be heard and digested to a point… until it pushes someone passed their capacity enough that survival mode kicks in. Some truths are too painful. Some truths attack someone’s character and sense of self… even though, behaviours in essence are moments and not a definition of character. The irony is that someone is far more likely to define your character and label you with character flaws when your ability to hear the truth is compromised. And yet he swore to the best of his ability to hear the truth. Gradually he became unable to hear it. It started to cut too close to the bone and instead of listening to direction, he mistook it for rejection and collapsed in dispair, clutching, gnawing, grating… then he would berate himself for that and collapse further… needing more of me to lean on. But the direction I gave was always to learn to move in the mud so that we can dance freely together.. And he COULD do that when he didn’t have access to me. When I wasn’t there, neither was the expectation for me to soothe. It’s like.. Just because I can and I’m there - there for I should. if you lean on a person enough, your weight will cause the other to collapse too and then there is no dance to be had at all. Giving direction is exhausting. As is taking someone’s weight. Such is the man who has learned to feel but who has not yet learned to contain in relationship. And yet he will kick and scream that he HAS. And yes to various degrees and ways he has learnt to contain… outside of relationship. It’s painful when access to me activates entitlement instead of reverence. It’s painful when my body is being demanded to be used as a sedative It’s painful when I am not being chosen as A partner he chooses to be with but A resource that should reduce his discomfort And when my “no” is met with a request to prioritise his pain because my humanity is being completely disregarded. “Can I rape you?”- It may as well be said. The truth isn’t supposed to be savage but sometimes it is. Closeness should not be something used for relief I have so much love …and it gives me a lot of pain and grief when I realise it never got to arrive safely. Grief for a dance I never got to fully hold and be held in and dance fully, beautifully, gracefully and most importantly, safely. And whilst I know he feels the same… I feel it is for the wrong reasons… because he never did love me cleanly. I am sick and tired of male entitlement. They feel entitled to our bodies… where our bodies are in proximity to them… They feel entitled to our emotional labour just because we are able, because we are strong, we should explain, translate, spoon feed and take on the weight of their emotional burdens. Enough is enough. Chat gpt explains it well. Containment is not: • being alone • distracting yourself • being around people • talking feelings out repeatedly • proximity to others • reassurance • soothing Containment is: • the ability to feel internal activation without discharging it onto another • the ability to hold discomfort without requiring relief • the capacity to stay present with anxiety without needing someone else’s body, attention, or reassurance to settle • choice, not compulsion Containment is an internal skill, not a social configuration. Love without containment becomes consumption. And the fact that my boundaries were questioned. That they should also consider a persons needs?! Boundaries draw a circle around yourself. Like a circle of protection. Boundaries are not punishment or blatant disregard for another. If my action towards self protection impacts another negatively, that’s on them. I started to reconsider what was really Happening in James and shazs relationship. My boundaries should never be questioned or bargained with. They should immediately be honoured. The fact that I’ve even typed that out… The fact that he didn’t see the harm in shaz following him into a room when he’d asked for space. My need for space was never too much… not even with Jacob. Space is necessary for healthy self regulation for a relationship to not just survive but thrive. My ability to co regulate was perfect because it was healthy. Because it meant that I did it in a way where I didn’t collapse. But after all that. I gave him an opportunity to be accountable. I gave him a day to reflect… he saw 3 friends, went to an AA meeting… did all the responsible things for his wellbeing… said he’d speak to me after the meeting, great. He returned… typed out a paragraph that was trying… it wasn’t full accountability but it was an effort. There was a distinct area where there was a total lack of realisation but I considered that to be a potential work in progress so I held a conversation with him… Up until… he said that he functions better when there is more frequent space. Which is exactly what I want to hear, in the right context, at the right time…. Not when it’s bullshit anyway and a deliberate attempt to get a reaction out of me. That’s a game. I don’t play games. I have no time for little boys who do that… and if it wasn’t a game it was performative and I don’t deal with that either.

This post eloquently expresses a refusal to be entangled in a relationship where a partner leans excessively for support instead of developing their own capacity to navigate challenges. It contrasts 'dancing' (healthy partnership) with 'leaning' (codependency), highlighting the importance of boundaries, self-honor, and emotional containment as internal skills rather than external configurations. The author differentiates between giving direction and taking on another's weight, lamenting the pain of love without containment and the disregard for personal boundaries, ultimately asserting the necessity of space for self-regulation and true connection.

@xbethx that does sound like love at a surface level. I'm sorry he didn't respect your boundaries. That is incredibly dehumanizing. Men aren't taught how to deal with adrenaline and sexual urges. They're told to be quiet, to be stoic. When in private the facade drops and you're left with a child that has never tried to navigate the world with their authentic self- they want to, but they still need years of experience. I feel like I'm missing something though, why do you describe life as dancing in mud? Very aesthetic, but do you mean as in specifically dealing with the drama in life? If that is what you mean, that is also a place of consent. It should never be expected for anyone to be willing to help you put a puzzle together. They should always ask if you have the bandwidth for that, just assuming you will participate is rude.

@regaruk I talk about him trying to move in the mud… that’s me referring to him trying to move through his own anxiety, his own heightened emotions… And instead of learning to navigate those himself… He leaned on me to do that. He collapsed, instead of learning himself how to be a container for his own emotions

@regaruk thanks though. appreciate feeling heard. Men’s conditioning is different to women’s… and you’re right… I think it will take him years of experience of owning his authentic self before he can be the man I need him to be.

@xbethx we are all growing, and it's good you see his potential and have love for him even if he isn't meeting your needs. And I get needing to type it all out to escape the gaslighting, whether intentional or not. It's hard for people to accept that they've hurt someone they care about. This can poison words intended to express connection. I hope you find peace in this separation.