Cannabis & Self-Discovery: A Black Gay Man's Journey

I’m a younger guy still living with my parents, and I happen to be gay in a suburb close to a big city. I have a job and my family is pretty well off and middle class. I’m not gonna say any more than that because this all is pretty anon. But if you’ve seen my last post, you know I tend to overanylyze things a lot, I’d encourage you to read it if you want to read the depth of that thought… but I now question my sexuality’s relation to it, and how this will be a lifelong plight or part of me depending on how I view it. I convinced myself so bad as a kid growing up in a middle class town that I shouldn’t complain. I shouldn’t have problems. I shouldn’t be mad. Of course these emotions still occurred because I am human and our flesh beckons for us to feel what we can’t think. But in my house, you weren’t supposed to. Other gay dudes growing up in black American households can probably relate to this. My parents both grew up in tougher areas with less than, so they taught us the importance of what we had. But sometimes I feel as though it was toxic to never acknowledge what we could be doing better and especially emotional faults. As the gay kid that knew everyone knew he was gay but just didn’t want to say it… I carried alot of weight as a kid. I really belive that thing some people say now… that gay people are empathetic on a different level. Because no other kid around me could spot that experience back to me… except the gay guys I’ve spoken about it with. As a kid it was like you couldn’t lie to me because inevitably I knew the truth, or something close to it. My intuition is still this heavy. But now I’m questioning through a different set of spectacles. We reach where I am at today. For so long I fought to blame myself, my choices, my mistakes. I carry the weight of everyone’s imperfections because consciously I understand the feeling of viscerally not being accepted. My friends don’t see me a lot of the time, especially my guy friend a lot I feel. So I just enjoy getting high and watching them do them. Experiencing the auras and energies around as I just think in solitude sometimes. I don’t like putting up fronts like I did when I was younger. I’m not loud and trying to pop jokes like I was when I was in high school. I just try to be. It’s almost as if my being is always offending someone, or I feel it does. Because these people have never seen who I am. I spent years hiding that so why should they care to know? The weight of it all makes me want to move away and start over. That’s my dream a lot of the time. Keeping all my vital connections but leaving my heart and soul completely on the front stoop to attract, chase and experience new ones. Ive now started to learn that, maybe being gay is more than I was willing to accept as a kid. That it’s a lifestyle that only I and the ones I meet like me will actually understand. My guy friend likes guys… but he’s not gay. He just can sleep with a dude. I feel like he tries to, but at the end of the day he’s not gonna understand where I come from. Sometimes the jokes and stuff he makes cut deeper because it’s as if he’s taunting me. I avoid thinking about these thoughts as I know they are projections. But he’ll never understand what that type of self esteem feels like. The other day when we were hanging out… I just caught myself continuously wishing I had a guy to snuggle up to and be quiet with. As we both hit our carts or whatever and look out the window like we’re in an indie movie. Just listening as our friends blabber about stuff we could care less about. That’s what I do alone anyways. And now I’m starting to accept that maybe… maybe it’s because I gotta accept I’m different. Sometimes I feel like being black and gay is really isolating… I grew up teaching myself what it meant to be a gay man because no one wanted to teach me. It was like no one wanted me. So I tried all my young life trying to figure out what being a gay man was. No one ever told me though, that I should be teaching myself how to be a black gay man. One in a world that won’t accept him. That’s a really tough pill that a young boy had to swallow, and I don’t think he’s ever been the same since.

The user reflects on their journey as a gay Black man raised in a middle-class household that discouraged emotional expression, leading to feelings of isolation and a heavy reliance on intuition. They explore the difficulty of self-acceptance, the disconnect with friends who don't fully understand their experience, and the profound realization that being gay is a unique lifestyle to be embraced rather than hidden. The post touches on the weight of societal non-acceptance and the desire for authentic connection and self-understanding, framed within a cannabis-altered state.

life is way too short to consider the opinions of others, sometimes even the ones of those who you love/love you the most. you must accept that your existence will cause discontent in another’s, similarly as to how they will cause discontent in yours. just do what makes you happy man

I love you for who you are.. and I don’t even know you. I just know this small aspect to your much wider story. I just know that you are another aspect of myself. The most fulfilling love is the love you give yourself. The more and more and more you fall in love with yourself, cater to yourself, pamper yourself, adorn yourself, be quiet with yourself, talk to yourself sweet and gently as emotional waves that are more than acceptable no matter what they are pass like clouds, the less and less and less relevant it becomes looking or even weighing external validation of any kind. It will become you and God or Source, however you define. And you will learn that the wellspring of love that arises from the softness of you, from your own self given grace and patience, how God speaks to you directly. Because when you settle more and more into that space of “self validated sovereignty” source speaks in ways that only you will be able to recognize. And THAT is true love. Falling deeply in love with yourself. From your very own wellspring of love, you will recognize that you’ve been a walking prayer all along. And remember this small key, most people turn away or try to ignore brilliancy. Not because they are trying to be mean, necessarily, it just makes most people uncomfortable. They have to RESONATE with you and resonating with you allows you to capture external love that matches you versus fleeting attention that you’d have to perform for. You are simply Divine and that is the beginning and the end. Walk brilliantly and radiantly in your beautiful sovereign skin, my love. 💓

@lyraea This was so lovely to read 💜 I really appreciate tour kind words. And as I’ve been going through the days these journals on this app have really helped. It’s really a wonder what a little community can do.

@hrvstr *your 😭 but still I appreciate being understood through other peoples eyes. Really helps right now.

@clamwerx heavy on the discontent being Vice versa, I really see that now in my older age.

@hrvstr I feel this!!!! And my pleasure. I was chatting with Being just a little while ago and it dawned on me to ask about subtle cues of external validation. I just wrote a post on it and actually you were part of the reason I posted it too. Because I often feel like I can be externally validated more in my own ways. So, I wanted to see what validation looked like in non-obvious ways. I hope you check it out. 🌹🌹

Be and feel free and never stop doing it, no matter the opinion of others, as long as you are good with yourself, enjoy life, it is fleeting.

You’re part of 2 minority groups. Black and gay. That’s tough. It’s tough being part of one. I think actually being someone who thinks outside of a surface level way of thinking… that’s another minority group…so maybe make that 3 groups. It compromises your sense of belonging. There’s a huge loneliness that comes with that from a lack of connection, even if you’re surrounded by people. If it’s not your tribe - you feel lonely. So that other stuff, about you having it good in other ways and you shouldn’t this and that… that’s irrelevant. You feel how you feel and it’s valid. It’s about values. if you value being rich and having money then you connect well with those with money… if you align with societal values then you have less of a problem with that feeling of belonging… because most people are part of the rat race and have a commonality there… Sometimes, you have to create your own tribe and be brave enough to get yourself out there and do that. I’ve been through this period of loneliness and if it doesn’t break you, it makes you.

@xbethx I can’t express how much reading other people’s responses have been. Felt! And I appreciate that there’s someone out there who has been through the ringer the same way and can say they came out better. Strength to you for real.

@godblessyou fleeting it is indeed. I appreciate that sentiment 💜