Healing Past Rejection Through Internal Switching and Memory

I think I slipped into Stevie again. It's really easy to do that when thinking about people from his home town. Today he was really brave and messaged a bunch of people It's hard to tell when Stevie is fronting. He is so good at masking. He knows how to do things, technically, from Tev or Rae. But those skills are not practiced. But he doesn't notice, just thinking it's a bad day or he's tired. There are some ways to tell. If Mom calls, Stevie will answer and talk. He misses her a lot. He can silence his inner voice really well, but whenever he does he's like "Well, maybe I'm just Tev and doing a really good job?" I think he really looks up to Tev. He's also a boob guy. Who knew? Didn't get that from Tev lmao Very sensitive skin. Always notices long hair and when it body isn't comfortable. Possibly notices when wearing Tev's wedding Ring? I don't think Tev notices it. Maybe another way to tell us over exaggerating people's reactions. I just had this image of Tev in my head saying what I was typing in a really mean tone, like he was making fun of me. But he wouldn't ever do that. Ever. To anyone... So, if I'm worrying about people's reactions, there's a good chance it's Stevie. Cause Rae pretends like she doesn't care while working through the sad feelings and Tev is so confident that he can see failure as feedback. And be happy about it. Like wtf is that? Unfiltering myself also works it seems. I Recapitulated! By myself! I texted my friends and asked for their help! And I'm not crying while typing this! Yay! a memory that my friend sent me. A time when we'd been pulled discarded tires to a 4 ft deep mud hole in their yard. It has just rained so it was full of water. It was big enough for the tires and we didn't have to be near each other. I recapped a time I held hands with Aubrey. We were in 4th(?) grade. I was pretty new I think, so 3rd or 4th grade. I knew Aubrey was safe and even spending the night at her house we held hands multiple times throughout the night. To me, Stevie, it was like everything I wanted. It was closeness to someone outside my family but sooo familiar. And I latched onto it until I had this huge crush. After we moved away, I texted her about it and was so angry that she didn't like me back. Her response? "Dude, we were 10... Chill." Obviously I was angry. But I'd only had the guts to say something over text 500 miles away from each other. So what could I do? So that's the story. In the recap I kept getting distracted from this memory, other memories always pushing their way in. But I kept going. Eventually, my body fell asleep. There's a lot of energy in that memory I can't access. I kept having the idea that this caused a spilt of was related to one in some way. When I got to the end of the recap, I remembered that I had tried to hold her hand and she's swatted it away so her dad wouldn't see. Then, later, held it again. Then, it was a rejection and it cut me deep. But then... I realized how much self pity was in the recap. How 'me' centric I'd been. And then I saw it all again, but this time from Aubrey's perspective. Her concern for me. She'd noticed a change in her friend and was concerned for me. She wanted to help and didn't know how, but did know that I always loved physical contact and holding hands was good. Obviously she didn't want her dad to see. She didn't want to be in trouble. She didn't want me to be in trouble. And then, she saw me more distressed and offered her hand again. To be with me in my time of need. And I ran off the wrong fucking way with it 😢 wow. My whole fronting time is filled with anger and frustration and rejection. Because of how I viewed the world. To be clear, I don't think that would have been an issue except for the fact that I was an over sexualized pre-teen who was watching porn and chick flicks. I feel bad that I ruined our friendship by being a nice guy. Tev was never really sure why he didn't like her that way anymore. He even tried 😂 they went to a scary movie and they held hands and it was exciting cause it was holding hands but he didn't LIKE her. He always found her boring because she only talked about their hometown. Which, is far cause he didn't actually ever live there.

Describes a complex experience of internal switching to an identity named Stevie, who processes old memories through a technique called recapitulation. The user reflects on how reframing a childhood memory from a friend's perspective transformed feelings of anger and self-pity into realization and healing regarding past relationship dynamics.