Opening Up to Family: A Meditation Journey

I said it! I finally said it, I came in from my walk and my dad heard me. I haven’t been talking to him, but he just kept asking if I was okay. I finally told him how I was feeling. Not everything, but situations that he was involved in that impacted how I was feeling. It feels good to open up to him without judgment or anger. I wrote a note, I was planning on leaving it for them to read, but then my dad came to me. I found my mom reading it, I acted like I didn’t notice. I’ll talk to her when the time comes. Next is my brother, the part I’ve been dreading the most. I haven’t talked to him yet, and I honestly don’t want to. I’m afraid he’s going to attack me or guilt trip me or shame me, and then I’ll have to hide my feelings all over again to make sure his feelings aren’t hurting. It’s not my responsibility though, but why does it still feel like it. Part of it comes from my sister, she makes me feel like I have to be my brothers keeper. His feelings matter, but it is not my responsibility to maintain them for him. If I do something wrong, I need to take responsibility for that, but how he reacts is out of my hands and he needs to learn to control his actions. If you wanna get mad and slam doors that’s on you, I didn’t make you do that. If you’re gonna get in a fight with our parents, that’s because you choose to continue to argue. Don’t undermine the abuse I had to deal with, acting as if it’s a competition for who our parents hurt the worst. And mom and dad comparing us, how do you think I feel, constantly having to maintain this good girl overachiever act, pretending that I got everything figured out and like I know everything that’s going on. Taking on so many activities that I don’t even like, taking too many classes in college, on a degree I didn’t even want. I don’t want to be the best at everything, I don’t always want to be the one who has to win, I don’t always wanna lead. I’m burnt out, I lost my creative love, I lost my energy. I’m gonna find myself again one day, and hopefully you’ll be willing to understand and accept all of me. If not, then now is the best time to walk away.

Be gentle to yourself. You’re doing the best you can and that is all anyone can ask for. Be proud and kind to your mind