From Materialism to Accountability: A Meditation Journey

I'm so disappointed in myself at this time. I know I am not reflecting from a place of higher frequency, but low, self-destructing frequency. I have lashed out on my boyfriend, Shawn when he has done nothing but provide for me and the house. I know he doesn't deserve this & I need to do so much better for myself most importantly, but also us as one. He provides for me mentally, emotionally, and financially. He is my biggest supporter and it makes sense as to why I perceive him challenging who I am as quite critical at times. As I've taken time to sit with myself & my feelings I've realized that no one has ever pushed me the way that he has and it's a bittersweet realization. I'm not used to someone who challenges who I am, just individuals who enable me & my behavior(s). I had to be brutally honest with myself and acknowledge that no matter how much I love my family and want to be around them, they aren't good for me. My Mom has failed me in numerous ways & I understand that it's a reflection of what she never had nor gave herself. By no means am I writing this to shame anyone or seek any form of pity. I'm writing this in acknowledgment of who I have allowed myself to be & what I have allowed myself and others to get away with. Hopefully this will reach someone who is going through something similar and it will remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! This journey isn't easy & it will feel very lonely at times, BUT THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU & it's not the end. It's actually the beginning of something extremely beautiful and majestic. I've had things handed to me all my life and it's time for me to take accountability for my life & make things happen for myself with ZERO EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS. There's been immense sadness in the realization that I can't really say anything in my possession actually belongs to me. My boyfriend recently bought me a new phone. My Mom has bought me lots of things from electronics, clothes, necessities, all the way down to buying me things that enabled my bad habits at one point. I'm standing here today to RECLAIM my power & my life back. The only thing that getting things handed to me has done is make me feel as if it's okay to throw some sort of tantrum when I don't get what I want. Getting things that I wanted brought me temporary satisfaction but it put me further from what I actually need in my life. I think it's safe to say that I have became a bit materialistic & I have exhibited irrational behaviors because of it. I don't think my Mom ever knew how to or could (due to what she lacks in her life) be there for me mentally and emotionally so my whole life she has bought me things and tried to make me feel better in the moment rather than providing me with actual essential, long-term problem-solving skills. It has taught me to search for temporary relief in my now adult life (I'm 20 years old). I'm not meant to be someone who allows their anger to reflect into the outer world & hurt the ones I love. I'm not meant to be someone who gives out what they have or are receiving. I know I'm capable of being so much better than the treatment I have received from others. I just want peace & happiness in my life and I'm assured I'll never feel that long-term if I keep attaching myself to temporary things. Rather that be feelings, urges, thoughts, physical things or even people. I want to be CONNECTED TO ALL THINGS & attached to nothing!!

The user engages in deep meditative self-reflection, moving from a place of frustration to radical accountability regarding their relationship with their boyfriend, Shawn, and their family. They identify how a history of being given material goods instead of emotional support has fostered entitlement and poor problem-solving skills, and they commit to reclaiming their power by focusing on long-term growth and detachment from temporary fixes.

honestly this hit different. the thing about realizing your family's patterns aren't serving you anymore, and that the people closest to you are actually trying to help you grow... that's heavy. sounds like you're doing the real work though, not just thinking about it but actually sitting with the uncomfortable parts.