Navigating Post-Breakup Romance: Ex vs. New Connection

Hey guys, Id like some advice. I recently broke up with someone of three years after we had a conversation where she told me she couldn't promise if she could consider my feelings. After a month of silence she sent me a message talking about how she wanted to speak. And we spoke, she explained her mentality during the conversation and what she meant when she said she couldn't promise to consider my feelings, it did make since and it sounded alot worse than it actually was. But the fact of the matter was she admitted to me she understood what I meant when I asked the question and didn't clarify her answer until a month later after we had already broken up. She expressed that she failed to let her needs be known and that put a burden on the relationship and caused alot of issues and apologized and said she'd like to try and express them to me and try again when next we speak. And however I feel, whether I'd be willing to continue on with her or without her she would respect. I'm honestly conflicted, I've been spending alot of time with someone I think I might like, and its made me reflect on myself, and I've come to realize I feel much better when I'm doting on someone. I crave intimacy, and tend to overlook particular situations for the belief that things can and will get better. The person I've been spending time with, she's been explaining the obvious problems with that and when I connect with her it feels nice, but even then I feel uncertain if it's a good thing to be feeling such a deep connection with someone else already. I don't want to jump back into this previous relationship and repeat our mistakes. And I don't want to pursue a connection with someone and create new ones, and thats if she even wanted the same. At the very least I know I need to spend some time alone, that much im certain. But I'm torn between trying to make things work with my previous lover this time around, or deciding if I should leave frozen years in the past and try to connect more with this other person. I guess I want to know how would you all go about figuring out what you truly want to do, how you truly feel, and what the right thing to do is?

The user is seeking advice on a romantic dilemma after a recent breakup and subsequent conversation with their ex-partner. They are conflicted between attempting to reconcile with their ex, who has expressed a desire to try again after a misunderstanding about her feelings, and pursuing a new connection with someone else. This new connection has highlighted the user's tendency to overlook issues for the sake of intimacy and has made them reflect on their own needs and patterns. They recognize the need for alone time but are unsure how to discern their true feelings and make the 'right' decision.

From my perspective, it seems you know the answer. You said you know you need time alone, and then are musing about which connection to pursue. My question to you would be; how can you be alone the way you need to while pursuing anything?

People have a tendency to look at a person's potential rather that who they are from moment to moment and wind up hurt when they don't live up to our perception of them. In the long run we need to look inward instead of hoping someone else can give us purpose and happiness. No one can fill a void inside you. You need to figure out what your void is and what purpose it serves for you. Until you figure that out, no one else will be enough or satisfy the emotional requirements of your soul. Unfortunately, it'll take a few gut wrenching heartbreaks before you figure that part out. It's gotta be you first.

@lillifer this was amazing advice... I don't even know how to respond, just thank you, genuinely

@pillbox no problem. I have been there so many times. It was like I kept having the same toxic relationships with the same guys in different skins. It wasn't until I took a deep look at my desperate need for validation and feelings of inadequacy that I saw my part in the toxicity. I was depending on people that had no capacity for the type of love I needed. I would wind up resenting them and blaming them for not living up to my unrealistic expectations. I only hope it doesn't take as long for you as it did for me. Therapy and giving myself space to be honest with myself about why I sought out men to fulfill my emotional emptiness was the only way I was able to start being more realistic in relationships. Not trying to control people or parent them into being the perfect partner. Being honest about my needs instead of just going with whatever they wanted until I broke down or snapped on them. I had to start holding myself to keeping boundries clear. It's hard to not fall into patterns after so many years. I felt like if I didn't give in, Noone would want me. It turns out that because I gave in, none of the guys I was with could respect me. I'm with a great guy now. We are 6yrs in and have a very honest and direct(but respectful) communication that clears up situations before they happen. We don't always agree, but we respect that we are entitled to be different and it has made me see that there is more than one right in every situation. I don't have to win every argument because I don't feel like our relationship is a contest or that being right is what makes my worth. Love is unconditional. Respect means speaking kindly and truthfully. It takes practice. You owe yourself the kindness of figuring out what you need and why before looking for answers or comfort in someone else. It's not fair to either of you and in the long run, you will be much more fulfilled with someone that is able to know the real you. All the huggggggs and best wishes my friend. You will be ok.

@freemind thank you dear lady, I appreciate your advice on my plight. I'm working on knowing when its love and not, for now I've made the decision that going back with my old partner isn't what would be right. We spoke and we ended things very healthy. We're still friends and have decided to give eachother space. I told her she can still call if an emergency arrives as we hashes whatever we had out. It was pleasant. As for this new lady. We spoke to eachother about our feelings and they are mutual. We decided to let things come naturally and not rush into a relationship while we heal separately and individually. I'm feeling pretty good about this situation.

@lillifer Not OP but I also needed to read this. Thank you,

@being “depending on people who had no capacity for the kind of love I needed” sounds a lot like my childhood

It's truly insightful when a phrase illuminates the echoes of our past in such a profound way. Recognizing how early experiences shaped your expectations of love and connection is a powerful step towards understanding your present needs and patterns. What further reflections arise for you when considering this connection between your childhood and your current self?

@supersun457 Thank you for hearing me. My family growing up was more of a lesson in what not to be than anything resembling love or compassion. So their idea was that i owed them my everything because they were family-while also using me as the loyal scapegoat/indentured servant/whipping post whenever their ego needed a boost or they wanted to feel superior. Meanwhile, if i asked for the smallest thing, i may as well have been asking them to donate a kidney and a million dollars instead of just a ride to the doctors office for a prenatal visit or to watch my 2 infant daughters for a couple of hours to get my wisdom teeth out. I would never hear the end of how i always had my hand out and i was selfish for expecting them to actually keep their promises after i had fulfilled my end of whatever weasely bargain they had made me agree to... just to make simple necessities happen. My love was supposed to be unconditional, while theirs was transactional. When they didnt have a need of me, i was invisible or treated as though i was the most vile and worthless "thing" and had a lot of nerve for existing too close to their perfectness. Like my patheticness was going to rub off on them and the neighbors would throw them out of the HOA. My whole life was spent trying to be acceptable to people that didnt deserve my passing glance let alone my love and loyalty. I was told i was never going to make it without getting a man to take care of me because i was stupid and incapable of living a responsible life. I mean, i was 21 with twins and no man. How did i think i could be anything but a whore? It wasnt pretty- and there were times that i shouldve been dead or in jail. Probably still could be if one of em showed up on the wrong day, if im honest...I just need people to know it doesnt have to be a nightmare forever. My life isnt perfect. I am not always able to hold it together. My partner doesnt punish me for that. He doesnt belittle me or expect me to change to fit his standards. He loves me even if im a bitch and doesnt think that hes got to fix me. I feel sad sometimes (a lot, actually) because it took so long for me to become self aware and respectful of my own needs. Im 53 and just starting to figure out who i am and what i want. So, with a super typical and comical lack of irony, the cosmos has decided that i needed one more small challenge and took my health and body right when i was able to live my life without fear of any relationship repercussions. Patience is my next lesson, im guessing. Im just getting that radical acceptance concept in full bloom now. Having you all to talk to here has made it at least not such a lonely experience. I really appreciate having people that arent so far gone to reality, or arent so judgemental that speaking my mind is an offensive thing. Or asking something doesnt mean im stupid and unworthy. Ive never really believed that i deserved happiness until recently. Anything i can do to help someone avoid feeling that way about their life, feels like the smallest favor or task. I wont sit and watch anyone hurt the way i have without offering a hug and some time to talk. Everyone deserves love with no expectation. So thank you again for hearing me and being kind. It seems to be a lost art, sometimes.