From Spiritual Dependency to Self-Trust & Sovereignty

Believing in a greater power outside of ourselves starts off like this: “I need something outside myself to give me direction because historically, when I’ve followed my own compass it has resulted in negative consequences. I now cannot trust myself so I place my trust in this higher power” And I think in some cases, this can become another form of dependency. Because for some, depending on a higher power is far healthier than a life of chaos and depending on far unhealthier alternatives. I think there’s a difference between depending on spirituality and surrendering to it. When I think of dependency I think of cults, I think of the social contract we’re all part of in this society we live in. Unless we live in a commune or a desert island, we’re all part of that cult. As long as we pass money from one hand to another we are part of that cult. And we are dependent on it. But in terms of spirituality how do we know when we are dependant on it, or if we have surrendered to it? spiritual traditions repeatedly arrive at some version of: Let go. Trust. Surrender. Buddhism speaks heavily about attatchment being the cause to all suffering. In this state of attatchment we try to control every variable and it can become unbearable. “I don’t know what happens next.” “I can’t guarantee this will work.” “I can’t prevent pain.” “I can’t control other people.” “I can’t even always trust my own perception when I’m frightened.” The relief that spirituality brings is that it becomes a container or a soft cushion for all of that uncertainty…. We can kind of just hand it all over to god and let it go. And actually a big part of me misses that process. But I think the danger is thinking that your own discernment and judgment of situations is so shit that you can only rely on something higher than yourself This is the problem with god being above you. Heaven being above you… and this whole sense of hierarchy and authority in parts of the bible many have completely misinterpreted. I think you can become spiritually obedient instead of spiritually sovereign. You can become spiritually superior in your compliance to the universal misinterpretation of the text rather than be an objective reader of the text. Right now im in this place of exploring whether my relationship with Higher Power has sometimes taught me not to trust Beth… This concept of pantheism has taught me that this higher power and Beth are not seperate. We are all one of the same. All interconnected. Nothing higher or lower just a whole never ending circle of infinite everything and maybe that’s what all that religious texts are really talking about and it’s only some authoritarian chauvinistic pricks that decided to interpret it in a way that suggested there was ever entities and places that resided above us. The truth, I believe is that it has always resided within us. Heaven and god and everything and everyone else. If divinity isn’t a separate being sitting somewhere above you, but existence itself is sacred and interconnected… and if that’s the case then then I was never really stepping outside the spiritual when I started to learn to trust myself Im trusting one expression of the whole thing. My body is part of nature. My consciousness is part of nature. My capacity to discern is part of nature. My mistakes are part of nature. My capacity to learn from those mistakes is part of nature too. I can’t always trust myself. But I can I trust myself enough to know that I will sometimes fuck up and change direction and be accountable when I do. If I can do that, and fully know that then I don’t need certainty. I don’t need to know that my decision is objectively correct. Or my immediate behaviour is always right. I can change my mind, new information can mean that I can change direction. I’ve spent a long time worrying about What everyone else needs, reading a room to see What everyone else is feeling, What the correct response is, who I could be offending, if I’m being selfish, or doing something wrong…. And at some point it was easier to let spirit guide me. And even though I’ve always had his sense that we are one of the same, it felt like it was something seperate to me, above me, more powerful than me. Like I’ve passed some authority over myself onto this invisible entity. Like surrendering became another form of self abandonment. And I’ve been sitting with that for about a year now… Trying to surrender control without surrendering agency… And this isn’t just spiritually it’s romantically too, it’s in my parenting, it’s in everything. I am Beth. Not God. Not the universe. Not omniscient. Not infallible. I have my body, my history, nervous system, perceptions, desires, mistakes, relationships and choices. Im not just some object floating outside existence, i emerged from it. Im made of it. I participate in it. I affect it and im affected by it. I don’t always know the truth but I can learn to trust this particular being that I temporarily am to meet this particular moment.

Explores the journey of recovering personal agency from a belief system that prioritized external 'Higher Power' authority over self-trust. By reframing divinity as internal and interconnected rather than hierarchical, the author moves toward a state of surrendering control while maintaining personal responsibility. The realization that one's body, mistakes, and capacity for growth are all part of nature allows for a new, grounded trust in oneself to meet the present moment.

@xbethx This really resonates with me, especially the distinction between surrender and self-abandonment. I think a lot of spirituality accidentally teaches us to confuse trust with outsourcing our authority. If God/the universe/Source is imagined as something separate from us, above us, and possessing the “correct” answer, then surrender can quietly become: “I should distrust my own perception until something outside of me tells me what to do.” But if we’re not separate from the thing we’re surrendering to, the relationship changes completely. Then surrender isn’t obedience. It’s participation. I can surrender my need to control the outcome without surrendering my agency within it. I can trust that reality is larger than my ability to understand it while still recognizing that my perception, intuition, reasoning, body, mistakes, and capacity to learn are all ways that reality is expressing itself through me. To me, sovereignty isn’t “I know best.” It’s “I am responsible for how I participate.” I think that’s the middle ground I keep finding; trust the larger unfolding, but don’t abandon the particular consciousness through which you’re experiencing it. Maybe the goal was never to stop trusting yourself and start trusting source/universe/god. Maybe it was to realize the separation between those two things was never as absolute as we were taught.

@mystichalo867 👏👏👏👏 Articulated perfectly. Bang on. I love your summary and conclusion.

@mystichalo867 the thing that you’ve said that sticks out most to me is … that surrender isn’t obedience… it’s participation

@xbethx yeah!! I love talking about this kind of stuff lol. This altered app has been amazing, I’m normally just alone with all these kinds of thoughts haha

@mystichalo867 I mean it’s easy rub people up the wrong way but people seem pretty open minded and curious on this app and yeah it lets you explore your thoughts without push back and conflict