Navigating Intimacy and Self-Worth After Transition

Journal for July 29th Song of the day: “What It’s Like” by Everlast So I haven’t had sex in a really long time. Like so long that I don’t know if I even really remember how to do it. I’m being hyperbolic but only a little. I mean if we don’t consider oral sex and the fact that I was giving not receiving then I really haven’t had sex in close to a decade. Frustration gave into boredom which gave into apathy. Part of the problem was that I was transitioning and starting hormone replacement therapy around the time that I stopped being interested in sex. Now I am not even sure what I’m interested in anymore. In my head so much has changed since I started hormones that honestly I don’t feel like the same person. So much about me has changed from being primarily interested in women only to at one time thinking men were very sexy. In fact I had a fling with a drug dealer who I used to work with mostly because he made me feel wanted. Sure it was just that he knew I would give him a blow job with no questions or expectations in return. But in that case I got what I wanted and what I feel I deserve. With Stephen he treats me so well that I often feel like I don’t deserve him. Why can’t I be happy with someone who treats me like this? Sometimes it’s easier to be intimate with someone when feelings are not involved. I kinda miss the random sex with people that I used to have and to some extent that was what made the random interactions with Ricky (my old drug dealer) he had complete control over when and where we met up. One thing is sure I want to go work out tomorrow night after work. I am starting to have more care about what I look like and what people think of me. So I just got fired from Walmart and I’ll admit that I’m kind of spiraling out a bit. I don’t know if I can pull myself out of this situation or if I should. I’ve pretty much fucked myself pretty darn good. So I did have a huge realization that when I feel like I am failing at fulfilling the basic expectations of an adult woman, let alone a transgender woman. I feel like I must be perfect in order to deserve love and respect and since I’m not doing that right I don’t deserve nothing. Right now because I can’t provide financially I’m feeling more pressure to provide sexual pleasure despite my ambivalence about it. Stephen doesn’t ask for anything it’s something that is completely self-directed. Anime currently being watched: Claymore

The user shares a candid reflection on their journey through gender transition, past experiences with transactional intimacy, and current feelings of inadequacy in a healthy relationship. They discuss the weight of perceived societal expectations and the internal struggle to feel worthy of love while navigating job loss and self-image.

Be careful of falling into the "perfect minority" trap!! You're burning yourself out here. 🫂 You don't need to defend yourself tooth and nail, or be super loud, to be trans. People online make it seem like we should have to fight and advocate constantly, but it's not always feasible nor safe. Leave the fighting and hardcore advocacy for people who don't have skin or are able to, I say. You are just getting your footing.

@peculiar5maple Thank you so much for spending time to reply, I really have been thinking about your words and taking them to heart. I really appreciate your support and warnings about failing on the perfect minority trap!