Cannabis, Dance, and Finding Permission to Be a Beginner

I’m currently hitting the pen rn, so I will come back after I’m fried a bit……… 4 hits later…. So, currently I'm off 4 hits of a 9 gram pen, a weed pen. Before this I was kinda just in a state of mind that just wasn't great. I moved into college on September 1st, which was Tuesday, and you know, all the feels of just starting a new life, fresh start, new people, new everything, it's just... I don't know, like I feel like I should be more happy about it, but I really honestly just feel like... I feel like shit man, like I don't know, like I'm getting everything that I want, it's just... It doesn't feel right, or it might, I don't know, it might just be because of the simple fact that I had a rough upcoming, man, like literally just getting through high school was hard, getting through senior year was hard, so I feel like it shouldn't be that hard college-wise, but I just need to keep on it, keep up what I'm doing, but it's hard man, like I have a whole weekend as a college student, mind you, I can choose not to go to class and shit if I wanted to, but a whole weekend just here, just here man, nothing to really do, nowhere to really go, don't got a car, don't even have money to go to parties or don't have money to get rides, to even go anywhere, you know, go see a movie, go do something, like, you know, I'm just really trying to figure things out, and they're coming together as I, you know, continue, but just trying to get the groove of things and start to fit in. I'm loving the fact that I'm majoring in dance, like I feel like dancing is cool, even though my body, I don't know why my body is so sore right now, like I don't know what it is, like I have never experienced soreness like this, like before I came to college, when I was dancing and was walking and doing all that everywhere, like when I was in D.C. and stuff, I would, you know, my body would get sore, but I wouldn't get like, you know, sore to where like it's hard to walk, like I can't, like now that I'm in college, I see that shit, it's a whole nother different side of training, like it's a whole, it's completely different from the stretching to the technique to the combos to everything, it's just, it's a whole different world, and quite honestly, I thought I was ready to adjust, but it's just making me miss home, I guess, I guess I am a little homesick, I am starting to feel that, I am homesick, but it's going to be okay, I feel like, I feel like everything is going to be okay, I just got to get through this feeling, which I don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment, it's just, I just, I don't feel okay, I don't know, maybe I just have to dance it out, maybe, maybe dancing helps, I mean, that's why I'm in school, I want to become a dance movement therapist, I have to use dance to help with, you know, releasing emotion of releasing things that I can't put into words, maybe try to find words for them, you know, but yeah, I think I'm going to go back to hitting this pin, and I'll check back in. Hmm, that's interesting, I had clicked the go deeper button and took a hit at the pin. I hit the go deeper button and it refreshed and the question says, you're training your body to hold so much, but are you giving yourself permission to just be a beginner instead of being ready? And to answer that, I think I honestly forgot how to be a beginner, how to begin because every time I've had a fresh start or was like had to get something fresh or just anything like just starting something new, it always came with just, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to, I don't know. I really honestly don't know where it came from, it just faded after a while, it felt like this is what I have to do instead of this is something that I want to do. I mean, I don't know, it's kind of hard to answer this because I guess you're right, I have trained my body to hold so much because I had to hold an emotion, when I'm feeling sad or something and I really want to cry, I really can't, it's really hard for me to do that and honestly, I'm just like, I'm just, I don't, I just don't know. I want to just start over and just have this fresh, just be here, have a fresh start, be new again, reborn in a way. I'm trusting God, I trust God, which is something that I feel like I'm also lacking in because I need to get back to my, you know, my studies, I need to start praying again, I mean, I took Shahada so I mean, there's no reason why I shouldn't be withholding the standards of the Shahada, but yeah, I think I might have to give that question some more thought because you're training your body to hold so much, but are you giving yourself permission to just be a beginner instead of being ready? Maybe I have to find that permission, maybe I have to find why I'm not giving myself that permission to just begin again instead of always being ready, because I get it, stay ready, you don't got to get ready, but sometimes it's okay to just let your guard down and I feel like I, I feel like I've had my guard up since I've got here, like since I've gotten so serious with dance and, you know, things like life would just get, like I had to grow up real fast, like life would just hit me, I mean, I guess it's one of the things that makes me stronger, but it's something that I don't really understand in a way, like a lot of the time I don't even have words to put with anything, like I just be feeling some type of way and it's hard and then I express it in dance and it's like I still don't know, but yeah, I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna take some more thought, look within more and find that answer to that. I'm sorry y'all, I took, I took a nap, I hit, yeah I took a nap, I hit but, ooh, um, I guess more so, I guess, you know, maybe that inner feeling of everything that I've had to deal with, maybe that also comes tied to soreness too because I feel like me, like just me by myself and how I feel alone, like just me, myself, like how I feel alone, like I personally love dancing, I love it, like I love dancing, like it's nothing, it's nothing that can compare to the feeling that I feel when I dance, like I don't, I don't know, but with that it's just, it's kind of, I don't know, like it's kind of hard to express in a way that other people can concede, like can like understand because I use it to help me cope with so many things, like there was things I went through as a kid, I was bullied in my family, I was, you know, I also broke my ankle when I was 15 and got into an argument with my sister during that time and she was throwing stuff at me, but she was in the wrong, no shade, but that's besides the point, um, I don't know, I just, I've been through a lot, but I never gave up, I don't think, I think dance just never gave up on me, like I feel like God placed dance in my life to never give up and it was just there waiting for me when I needed to come back to it and then once I healed, you know, when I broke my ankle, once I had healed and it's just that, like a different passion came over me, like I have to be better and then when I was, you know, when it was junior year and I wanted to go to, you know, like we were starting to settle down on college decisions, I didn't really know, you know, like I didn't really know that I could really go to school for dance, I didn't know I could go to school for that until sophomore year, I was like, I wanted to go, but I didn't know that I really could and then, you know, I met all these amazing people and, you know, I met Sinead and I got back in touch with Mr. Jones and, you know, have some mentors like Kiera Scott and those people, like they really helped me discover the deeper passion that I have behind it because they helped me understand myself through it. I feel like I fully understand why I dance now and it's more so because I have something to prove to myself and I just want a better, I want a better me and a better life for the people that are in mind, like to make that make sense, more so like I have, like I want to make myself better so that when I enter people's lives, like it's a different feeling, like they feel like I can help them, like I have to be together in order for me to be able to help other people and that's why, you know, I want to be a dance movement therapist because if I can understand that, I can get other people to understand that, but maybe, you know, I think maybe that's where all the, maybe that's where the pain is coming from, I mean, I don't know.

The user, a freshman dance major feeling homesick and physically exhausted, uses cannabis to reflect on the pressure to 'be ready' versus the need to be a beginner. They connect their physical soreness and emotional state to past trauma, viewing dance as a sacred coping mechanism and exploring their aspiration to become a dance movement therapist. The reflection highlights a struggle to release suppressed emotions and an ongoing journey toward self-healing and faith.

@noblesun483 went through my freshman year 23-spring 24 best advice have minimal excitement, maximize your attention on getting you to where you need to go. Excite yourself about your reasons not where the energy seems to be in the town. I made occasions the regular, i was smart before college and j was a dumbass during my time there but i learned a few lessons. Love your life, thats how you uplift the people who arent going to pull you down, Love your life.