Childhood Trauma & Family Estrangement After Psychedelic ...

Last night I attempted an ODPE (Old Dirty Penis Envy strain) trip, but it didn't go as planned. I've been lemon tekking, but last night I forgot to set the timer on the 2g I had prepared. By the time I remembered the mix had already turned blue and the potency significantly diminished. So I prepared another 2g and this time decided to let it steep in hot water to quicken the come up. By that time I was discouraged and my mindset wasn't right. Also, the ODPE just doesn't work for me the same as the Casper, so I was disappointed additionally in the lower potency. I did still attempt meditation when I felt the trip (mild as it was) was peaking. I attempted to replay some of the core memories of my life, especially as it relates to my childhood and my mother in particular. I only got to age 4 or 5 before I fell asleep. My earliest memory is as an infant, of my dad placing me in bed next to my mom before he presumably went to work one morning. I don't have a feeling good or bad of that memory, it just was. I know in my memory it was my mom just from older pictures I've seen. But at that time, I don't remember conceptually acknowledging who this person was: "That's my mom", lack of language skills aside. Another memory, I was a toddler, standing upright. My dad, mustache and long shoulder length hair, standing in a bathrobe in the kitchen of an apartment we lived in, drinking from an anodized aluminum tumbler. This would have been about 1972 or '73. My mom was sitting off to my left on a couch, but the memory of her is not as vivid. One of the things that troubles me is the lack of memories up to and around the time of my first and second ever memories. Seems like a big gap, and the details I do remember are either oddly vivid or just things my brain fabricated to fill on the picture. It bothers me not knowing if that's normal or if there is some reason my brain doesn't pull those older memories. Fast forward to an unpleasant memory. I was 3 or 4 at the time, and I had been staying at my grandmother's for a weekend. My memory is of being back at home, crying, missing my grandma and saying I'd rather be at her house or wanting to go back to her house. My mom didn't take that well, and ended up laying on her bed and sobbing, while I was in the next room, the living room. My memory is of being scolded or yelled at by my dad and being told I had to apologize to my mother. In hindset it's certainly a traumatic memory, but a part of me tries to give her grace; I mean after all, she was 20 at the time, got pregnant at 17 and was maybe not emotionally prepared for some of the challenges of motherhood. I can forgive her, I was only 3 and that was decades ago. Still, it colors my whole maternal relationship, and given some other childhood trauma inflicted by her later in life I look at where my relationship with her is now (we haven't spoken in five months), and I just want nothing to do with her or my sister. I just want to be free to heal, without any guilt trips and without imprisoning familial obligations. For good or bad that thought brings me emotional relief.

The user recounts a failed ODPE (likely a typo for an extraction method) psychedelic trip, noting issues with preparation and mindset, which led to a mild experience focused on early childhood memories. They reflect on fragmented memories of their parents, a difficult childhood incident involving their mother's emotional distress, and subsequent family estrangement, ultimately seeking freedom from guilt and familial obligations to facilitate healing.

the gap in early memories is actually really normal, brains don't start recording reliably until around 3 or 4. but i think what matters more here is that you're trying to understand the shape of your own story, and that takes real courage, especially with family stuff tangled in it