Psilocybin Trips: Fear of Not Returning After Bad Experience

I’ve taken mushrooms many times in my life, and one thing I’ve noticed over the course of all my trips is that I always end on a bad note. I start energized and laughing at everything until my face is soaked and sore. Then I see visuals of some kind (colors become more intense, walls wave, the floor feels miles away when I look down, etc) and the end is where the bad sets in. In my first experience, it happened as I was trying to go to bed. I laid in a mostly dark room alone (bad idea looking back) and my mind created shadows on the walls with what little ambient lighting existed. These shadows turned into skeletons with swords from what I remember, but it wasn’t anything drastic. Over time, the bad got worse, and now I’ve sworn off them entirely from my last experience. My buddy and I split an 8th of a very good batch between us (4 mushrooms each-ish). An hour later, we’re laughing at nothing so hard my face is soaked in tears😂 Then I look around to see the walls and everything waving in a cohesive kaleidoscope. In a pattern of little triangles and in colors like green, yellow, and pink. I’m mesmerizing (who wouldn’t be), and then I start to get sick to my stomach. This is where my downfall begins. For background, my buddy gave me a camo blanket to cover up with because by this stage in my trip, I was freezing. So, as my stomach starts cramping and I start getting nauseous, I bring my knees to my chest, put my head down so I’m only able to see the blanket, start subtly rocking, rub my head with my hands, and repeat over and over to myself that “I’m going to be okay.” “I’m going to come down soon.” “I’m safe here.”. My buddy said I was balled up like that in the corner of his couch for what felt like 2 hours to him (I don’t think it was that long since he was tripping too). While I was staring at his blanket in my ball, the thought that I would be permanently in that state was what ended up freaking me out mentally (causing me to rock and soothe myself in various ways). I fear doing acid too because I worry I’ll take a trip and “not return”. I know it’s probably not likely considering how spread out and low my doses generally are of mushrooms, but it’s an ingrained fear for me for some reason. I’m not sure why being in that state forever scares me so much itself, though. Like nothing scary or bad happens. I’m generally happier. So I don’t understand it. But that last experience has scared me off of using mushrooms a bit bc I don’t want to react any worse than that. My buddy had to pull me out of my ball towards the end of our trips and lay me down flat because I felt paralyzed. He said it was a normal thing in trips, but I’d never experienced it before. I couldn’t move anything but my head and mouth to talk to him.

The user details their recurring negative experience at the end of psilocybin trips, transitioning from euphoria and intense visuals to fear and physical discomfort, culminating in a frightening episode of perceived paralysis and the fear of never returning to baseline. This experience, amplified by a childhood story about someone who 'never returned' from an acid trip, has led to a complete avoidance of mushrooms, despite a general fear of being permanently altered rather than experiencing negative states.

Thanks for sharing!

Mmm the text is jumbling and I can’t read will read in the morning sounds interesting