Feeling like an outsider & facing fears

I think back to my childhood and adolescence. I approached life with such uncertainty that I ever belonged there. I think I still sit and wait for someone to tell me I shouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t need any explanation, I’d just leave. My skin is smooth and shiny in the clouded light reminding me I am still young. I wonder how much life one can live before they get bored of it. Twenty one years and I’m still here, with a strange feeling of impermanence rattling under my skin. As if I’m already reaching the end. The two elderly women sitting to my right would laugh at me over such an obscure thought. I wonder if anyone realizes that winter is meant for hibernation. Why must humans disregard the natural mammalian instinct to hide away from the cold darkness? Everything has depressed. Why shouldn’t I be? I don’t mention these thoughts to my therapist very often, because I know they will fade away when the sun comes out. I’m no danger to myself. Unless you consider the poison I consume in the presence of no one but myself to be dangerous. Don’t get me wrong, I can still see the beauty of this life. It’s just tainted right now with the cruelty that permeates the air. We are too quick to label fears as irrational. Like my fear of dying before I’m thirty, or that i could be staring down the barrel of a gun at any given moment. These aren’t irrational, they are only the darkest rationalities that most are too afraid to look at. To touch. No one wants to believe that being shot while at school or at work is a rational fear, and ignore the countless headlines that flash across our glowing screens that prove, most of our irrational fears are the more real than our own hands.