Insecurity and Shifting Sex Drives in Open Relationships

My husband and I have decided to open our relationship. We only hook up with people together. It’s fun, but I also find myself insecure. We went through a dry spell for about two months. I’ve always had the higher sex drive, but now that we’ve opened up, his sex drive has skyrocketed. He said it’s a confidence and ego booster, and that’s why he feels like this. But I can’t help but feel like he just wasn’t horny for me and now he has all these options.

@vividdreamer163 My wife and I have been open for almost 10 years, although we’ve had long periods where we weren’t actively doing anything with other people. And I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned through all of it has been about understanding myself. First, I completely understand why you’re feeling the way you are. Especially if you’ve been wanting more intimacy with him, and now suddenly he’s showing all this excitement because other people are involved. I think most people would have some feelings come up around that. But something worth considering is that desire is complicated. Novelty, excitement, confidence, feeling attractive to someone new, all of those things can influence someone’s sex drive. And that excitement can actually carry over into your existing relationship too. So his increased desire doesn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t attracted to you before. But I actually want to focus more on you than him for a minute. Something I’ve come to believe is that so much of our suffering comes from the meaning we attach to things, rather than just the things themselves. His desire increased. That’s what happened. But somewhere along the way, your mind started connecting that to the possibility that you weren’t enough for him before. And now you’re experiencing the emotional weight of something that might not even be true. And I’m not saying that to dismiss your feelings. Quite the opposite. I think those feelings are worth exploring, because they can tell you a lot about yourself, what you need, and where some of your insecurities might come from. One of the most valuable things I’ve learned is how important it is to develop a sense of wholeness within yourself, independent of your partner. Not because you shouldn’t need anything from them, but because there’s a difference between wanting someone to desire you and needing their desire to prove that you’re desirable. And that’s not something you just decide one day and suddenly stop feeling insecure about. It’s something you work through, often by experiencing the very things that bring those feelings to the surface. I also think there’s an important distinction between something triggering an insecurity within you and something genuinely being missing from your relationship. Sometimes it’s both. You can work on your own sense of security while still expecting your husband to make you feel loved, wanted, and considered. I guess my biggest suggestion would be to get curious about what you’re actually feeling before deciding what his behavior means. Are you afraid you’re not enough? Are you feeling neglected? Are you comparing yourself to other people? Or are you simply missing the intimacy you were hoping to have with him? Because those are different things, and understanding which ones are happening makes it a lot easier to have an honest conversation with him about what you need. For me, the whole point of being open has always been expanding what we get to experience, both individually and together. Not replacing something that’s missing, and definitely not at the expense of each other’s emotional well-being. You deserve to feel secure in yourself, and you also deserve a relationship where you feel wanted. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

@vividdreamer163 I also don't love Altered's framing of it as either a celebration or a theft. It could be exciting for both of you while simultaneously bringing up some very real insecurities.

@mystichalo867 thank you so much for this. You bring up some great points and it’s so nice to see the perspective of someone who has been successful with this for 10 years.

My pleasure!