Complex Mother-Child Bond: Forgiveness vs. Unforgivable Acts

Thinkin about our mom again. Oh, our mother. She wasn't terrible. Well, she did terrible things and was awful to us, but I don't think at her core she was bad, yk? I see how she got there. With the way things were going, we could have got there. We never did anything to actually like, hurt our siblings. That was our one line in the sand. The most we were ever made to do to them was spank them a time or two, which I am not proud of doing, but that was the most physical harm we ever did to them. And we have apologized and never laid a hand on them again but we still feel bad about it. Don't like that we contributed to that awful environment for them to grow up in. But emotionally? Oh, I get why my mom did the things she did. Overworked, exhausted, undiagnosed autism, and an abusive spouse that keeps telling her she needs to control her kids better who encouraged her to hurt us? Yeah, I get it. I was just more obviously autistic in the same kind of stress because I was in charge of the kids often. I understand the build up to a meltdown, I understand the lashing out, even if she was more systematic and cruel about it. And I understand her dissociation out of the shame for how she was acting overwhelmed her justifications and exhaustion. She wasn't any of the typical portrayals of a bad mother. She wasn't a woman who felt no love for us and blindly hated us. She wasn't overbearing in her love and smothering us. She just understood us. She looked at every part of us and saw herself and hated it. Hated every part of us she understood, and wanted to control and punish and fix that part of her in us and make. Us. Better. She still loved us, in that warped way. And felt protective of us as her child. She did genuinely love us in a maternal instinct way She loved us and saw what she hated and wanted to fix us. Into what she thought would be best. Into what we needed to be to survive, into a good person. Into what we should have been. She would always tell us it was for our own good. Because she loved us. And of course she had to punish us worse for fighting back. She saw it as us making difficult what she needed to do for our own good. Just delaying the inevitable. Just making it harder on both of us. But she just. She could never be my mother. She didn't have it in her to be a mom. Shouldn't have had me so young. She really fucked me up and it's just impossible. I forgive her as her child but I hate her and can never forgive her as my own person. What she did was unforgivable. On so many levels. She fucked me up so bad. Well they both did, but I wrote off my dad as a lost cause a long time ago. You can't just make every experience someone has with you hell on earth and get them ice-cream and expect all to be well or expect that person to want to be around you. But my mom hugged me and said sorry afterwards at least and I am enough of a sucker that that was enough.

The user reflects on their mother's complex nature, acknowledging both the terrible things she did and the underlying reasons for her behavior, such as exhaustion, undiagnosed autism, and spousal abuse. While the user understands her actions stemmed from seeing her own perceived flaws in her children, they emphasize the profound and unforgivable damage caused, leading to a dichotomy of forgiving her as a child but hating her as an individual.

The ego finds it much more appealing to change others to our needs rather than growing to satisfy those needs for ourselves. I heard this advice recently for parenting but I think it’s important for all relationships: Modeling the correct behavior is far more effective than correcting improper behavior. I feel you in your struggles, I hope you may find further peace and growth within.