Navigating Relationships and Personal Growth

Journal for March 15th Song of the day: “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence One of the reasons why I am afraid of losing my dad and my cat is because they make me want to be better. Eventually, maybe Stephen will become something similar. But right now, I can say that my dad and Drogo are relatively healthy. This isn’t something that I need to worry about immediately. I have spent my entire lunch listening to music, and it has been very relaxing and enjoyable. I have been feeling more confident in my skin; this has led me to buying a few books on female-led relationships and on domme and bdsm I still feel mostly asexual and ambivalent about sex most days. I’ve tried going to porn sites, and they really don’t do anything for me. But I want to make Stephen happy and possibly find out something that I might enjoy in the process. I recognize that I am still at some level putting his needs above my own, but I think that is a part of love sometimes. Besides, I want to grow my kink side. So I have realized that I can’t live anywhere where there is a rigid caste system or near people who think that they are better than others. I do not deal well with the whole, “Do you know who I am?” question. I once had a state senator say that to me trying to get into the Lincoln home while I was a park ranger there, and I couldn’t think of anything polite to say to him, so I shut the door in his face. He was basically trying to jump the line to get into the historic park. My superintendent was listening to the radio chatter about what was going on. I thought I was going to be in a bit of trouble for how I handled it when he called me into his office. But he said he was absolutely behind me for telling him to follow policy, and he doesn’t get special treatment. I need to start listening to my Brené Brown book on vulnerability for my therapy this week. I also need to journal more about my fear of vulnerability. I’m doing a lot better opening up with Stephen, not so much with anyone else. But some progress is still progress. I also need to get my ass in gear about moving. On that particular topic I have been pondering about getting my national emt and advanced emt certification before I move and paying for it with loans from my 401k from Walmart. The only thing that I am honestly worried about is that I would be torture testing my coping mechanisms and if I go back to work as an EMT I can’t use cannabis. Which would be a huge commitment for someone who is terrified of committing. Anyways I wouldn’t be taking classes until the fall at the absolute earliest. I have had a number of successes so far this year, I have given up soda and don’t even miss it at this point. I have started using exercise in the form of walks as a coping mechanism for my mental health. I am working on changing aspects of my life to better align with my mental image of who and what I want to be.

The user reflects on personal growth and relationships, inspired by loved ones and a desire to be better. They explore their evolving sexuality and kink identity in relation to their partner, while also confronting fears of vulnerability and the need for change, including career aspirations as an EMT and the impact of cannabis use. They note successes like giving up soda and using exercise for mental health.

@sylvieloire I love Brené Brown 🥰💯❤️‍🔥 & hooray for alignment of ideal & actual selves 😇🖤🎉

@rebelkatt My therapist was very excited when I suggested that I need to reread it. Brene Brown is great at getting things to make sense to me!